Aug 11th, 1974 – On Command, Spread Your Cheeks!

Everyone experienced various ‘moments’ during boot camp whether physically demanding, frustrating and maddening or others laugh-out-loud funny. We were a couple days into boot camp (Company Echo/98) when the company was taken to the medical building for additional medical exams. Everyone filled out the necessary medical forms. We were then lined up around the outer perimeter of a large room in just our skivvies. A doctor came by and looked into everyone’s eyes, ears and nose. He also flexed hand and arm joints and then listened to our heart and lungs. The usual drill for a medical exam.

The next command caught most everyone by surprise, “Company, drop your drawers!” I gathered that the Coast Guard wanted to ensure that no one had “back-door” fissures or hernias. The next order was, “Company, about face.” And this was followed by, “Company, bend over, now!” As the doctor moved down the line, each person was subsequently ordered to, “Spread your cheeks.” The guy next to me apparently didn’t realize that the doc was going to check the bung hole. When ordered to spread his cheeks, this recruit, who was undoubtably qualified for a leadership position in X-ray company, placed his index fingers into his mouth and pulled his lips apart. One of the doctor’s aides shouted out, “No, you f**king moron, spread your frigg’n butt cheeks!” I could hardly contain myself. I knew I’d get reprimanded for laughing. Nevertheless, many of us who were aware of what had just happened snickered just about uncontrollably for the next 20mins. After this part of the exam, we were ordered to dress and were moved on to the next phase of the medical exams.

Throughout the next nine weeks I tried to figure out just who this guy was. However, given that we were all stressed, sleep deprived, confused, and looking the same in our newly shaved heads and Coast Guard dungarees, I never found out who this comedic genius was. But (pun intended) this little moment has lasted a lifetime, and I still laugh about it to this day.

Semper Paratus

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Author: Bob

Martin’s Mercurial Musings began when I started asking deeper questions related to my Christian faith. Matters of faith became confusing and I was baffled at the disparity of doctrines beliefs given that Christian work from the same “source material” (aka the Bible). How can there be so much variance as to what Christians believe? Or more importantly, where is the truth? That which I thought I knew and believed – well, I’m not so sure anymore. Although born in OH, I grew up in Tucson AZ. After college, a job offer lured me to Eagan MN where I worked in process development at a semiconductor chip manufacturing facility over the next 40yrs. I’m now in the “Buick stage” of life (retired) and currently reside in FL. In no specific order, things which make life more enjoyable include coffee in the morning, making sawdust in the garage, roughhousing with the grandkids, playing various fretted instruments, participating in online chess tournaments, growing fresh tomatoes, and an occasional IPA. In addition to my musings on Christian faith and Calvinistic doctrines, I also like to write about my experiences in the Coast Guard along with various news, political and social items of interest. I’m truly delighted you’re here. Feel free to poke around and comment as you wish. I value the insight of others with a different perspective and welcome cordial discussions regarding any disagreements.

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