My Faith Journey

Where it all began

As a sophomore in high school, I was ‘born again’ when I accepted Jesus as my savior I believed that my sins were forgiven, that I was given the gift of eternal life and that God was present in my life. For forty years afterward I immersed myself in Christian living and was actively involved in various church activities through worship teams and men’s/couple’s Bible studies. In addition, at different times, I was involved with various Christian ministries such as The Navigators, Campus Crusade, Teen Challenge and Stephen’s Ministry.

What happened

Much of my deconstruction from Christian faith may relate to early events when I first became a Christian. Perhaps it was peer pressure because I wanted to exude confidence and not appear to be a doubting Thomas. Many questions were present in my mind during in those early days. One thing, I felt terribly confused about “God’s will.” Many within my little sphere spoke about God’s power, provision, answered prayers and how God was working in their lives. It was simply easier to “play along” and otherwise bury those unresolved questions. But as time went on, those unresolved questions remained while even more questions arose.

Herbert Schriener, the pastor of the Evangelical Covenant Church in Tucson, AZ and the man who’d brought me into Christian faith was killed in a car accident a year after I became a Christian. I was devastated. At his memorial, the chairman of the board of elders stated, “Reverend Herbert Schriener has been called home to his maker.” Whether intended or not, it was made manifestly clear that God had intentionally taken (i.e. killed) Pastor Schriener for unknown reasons which left a congregation reeling and a young widow to raise their four children alone. I began openly asking whether this was the act of a loving God? Ultimately, the answers seemed oriented around how “God’s ways are not our ways.”

Never over the next forty years as an Evangelical Christian can I point to any kind of direction that I may have received from God. Nor can I describe anything that I would consider an answered prayer. I experienced similar “life” challenges as other believers. Yet others sensed God working within their lives and answering their prayers.

I came to realize during my four years in the Coast Guard that the best approach to living was to incorporate the teachings of Proverbs. Looking over my shipmates, it was obvious that people who didn’t heed the teachings of Proverbs experienced more difficulties in life. Something else I noted at the time was that there was no perceptible differentiation between Christians and non-Christians regarding the incorporation of Proverbs.

It seemed apparent that the statements of believers regarding the affirmation of God’s will or answered prayers in one’s life often seemed like trite attempts to assuage one’s belief of a God who cared. I queried believers on how they knew that it was God who had performed or otherwise done a particular thing. Never was there a satisfactory answer. What I observed in others seemed related to “feelings” regarding the differentiation of something of God versus something that just would’ve happened anyway as a function of naturally occurring events.

After turning fifty, my perception that God wasn’t at all involved in people’s lives through any tangible manner led me to delve deeper into my beliefs. It was apparent how many believers used scripture to justify actions, beliefs and events. Yet, at least in my estimation, these beliefs were altogether inconsistent with the context of the quoted verses or passage. For instance, Jer 29:11 was often used as a direct promise to provide all sorts of things including jobs, health, retirement funds, housing, conception of children, transportation, relationships, etc, etc, etc. The verse, to me, is a limited promise, to a particular group and at a particular time – not a generalized promise to everyone always. I began to see that many Christian’s beliefs were little more than opinions predicated on likely misinterpretations of scripture.

A Breaking Point

A new senior pastor was called at the church I was attending, and he immediately began speaking about something altogether new: the Doctrines of Grace … aka Reformed Theology … aka Calvinism. The first tenant of these doctrines, Unconditional Election emphatically states that it’s God, and God alone who chooses his “elect from the foundation of the world” (according to Eph 1:4). Therefore, God determines who’ll be given the gift of salvation. Conversely, everyone else, aka “the reprobates”, are not saved because, well, that’s just how God wants it. And he is, of course, sovereign over everyone, everything and always.

My faith in a loving and caring God evaporated. Lingering lifelong questions, no “experiencing God”, no answered prayers and I had no sense that God had ever done anything in my life. At one point during a men’s Bible study, I was told that my antithesis to Calvinism “likely meant” that I wasn’t one of the “elect.” That is, God hadn’t chosen me. I was determined to be a reprobate. Therefore, I never was a Christian.

Where am I now

I’ll just say it – truly abhor Calvinistic doctrines! And if the God of the Bible is best explained through the doctrines of Reformed Theology, then I’m not interested. Yet sensing that something just seemed all-together inconsistent and wrong about Calvinism with respect to the teachings of the Bible, I continued reading and studying. I learned of believer’s incorporation into lots of different “flavors” of Christian faith. All of which, ironically, emanated from the same “source material” – the Bible by way of, I suppose, different interpretations of scripture. In addition to Calvinism, there are significant variants of Christian “overviews” including Arminianism, Open Theism and Provisionalism. I discovered the “Views Books” (Zondervan Publishers). Each of those books contain four or five significant delineations from different authors on such topics as salvation, sanctification, divine providence, eternal security, law and grace, spiritual warfare, divine knowledge, atonement and justification. Greg Boyd’s book, Across the Spectrum, illuminate variances of belief as to such things as The Lord’s Supper, Baptism, Charismatic Gifts, Women in Ministry, Hell and many other aspects of Christian faith.

How can it be that people of good will, knowledgeable in the languages, cultures, and history of the Bible derive such differences of beliefs? Variances within Christian faith seems predicated as to the “lenses” through which one understands their faith. And other entities such as Jehovah’s Witnesses, Latter-day Saints and Christian Scientists view aspects of faith through their perspective “lenses”. And, in a like manner, Muslims, Buddhists, Baha’i, Hindus, Taoists, members of the Unification Church, Scientologists and others also view their beliefs through their “lenses”. So, where is the truth? I’m honestly not sure. For now, I’ve concluded that matters of faith are little more than what one wishes them to be and that believers essentially create a god of their own making commensurate with their own beliefs.

Martins Mercurial Musings

I began this blog in 2008 to think through and write about my Christian faith. And I’ve appreciated and even enjoyed the challenges and questions put forth by readers. This blog now has around 225 posts. I understand that my questions, my concerns and my ultimate conclusions are not shared by all. But this is where I’m at. By all means, please feel free to peruse this blog and comment as you wish. I welcome cordial dialogue in search of the truth.

Most Sincerely,

Bob